I think I will start this off with a brief history of my current job. There is so much to say, and my brain slightly races when I try to think of how this all kicks off…plus, I’m not a writer by any means. I tend to be able to spit out some spiteful shit when I really want to get under someone’s skin, especially through email. Which, lately, I’ve been told not to send those.

Well…I was told that my emails “could” be sent without opinions. They can simply contain attachments, or the job at hand, without my commentary. I’m also starting to think I don’t know appropriate punctuation. Why do I want nearly every sentence to have…three dots? What are the three dots called to write here? I overthink everything.

“Hey Gemini…” An ellipsis. Sigh.

I’ve been with the company for over 13 years, joining in 2013. Very quickly, I got it. I found my place, which sounds very cliché, but it was true. I worked my way up quickly: within two years, I was a lead technician; six months later, a clinical supervisor; and just a few more months later, a clinical manager.

At 26 years old, I became the clinical manager of the largest customer my service line had at the company. I never knew that until recently. Over a million dollars per year was coming in under my leadership…my dedication…my personal life, or lack thereof…and I was left to believe that I was average, worth $50,000 per year. Oh, and a $2,000 bonus, just to show me how much they cared.

While all of my friends were building lives, I was building my company’s wallet. I thought every manager’s life in the company was like mine…I didn’t know that I was the exception until this December, after being taught to read income statements to explain my accounts finances. That was a rage-filled week, which bled into several months, but I’ve finally almost gotten over it.

When I accepted the position, my boss at the time said, “This is going to be your everything. This is your child. This is your baby now. Your life will change, and I know you think I’m being dramatic right now, Trey, but I am not.”

She was correct.

I thought she was being dramatic. I was like, “I know, I understand, I’ve got it,” shrugging her off. I just said that to make her stop saying it…and I did think it was dramatic. How is some job going to change me?

I knew that the account was a beast. I knew it was quite big. I just never knew how big because they didn’t tell me, which was probably for the best in hindsight. For nine years, I naively thought that I was building something better. Something that mattered…and it did at the time. I only say it like that now because it was absolutely all for nothing, and soon I will be left with nothing.

I remember taking the position of clinical manager. I said, “I will only take this if I’m guaranteed a promotion out of here within two years,” because I wanted to get out of North Carolina. I thought that I would be in New York, California, or somewhere big.

I never got that far.

Why do I want a blog?

I just decided I wanted to write a blog. I don’t know why, honestly. I wanted an outlet. I thought this is honestly a very entertaining story. I’ve always said I need a documentary crew because my life is hilarious, but this story isn’t funny. The stories will be, but what they’ve done to me is not…and the subsequent past year of my life? Not funny at all.

I think I might be doing this because it’s taboo…and one day, I hope they find it. Not yet, though. I need time to figure out where my life is headed. But I do this…choose the taboo thing…fear getting caught…then have a pity party because I didn’t.

A few months ago, I did something huge…something that essentially went against all 16 people in our leadership group. That one I did because it was the right thing, and fuck these people…ugh, I have so much to say!

BUT…I can’t say it all in one night, so that will have to wait for now.

Some small part of me hopes they find it, just like I wish they knew that yes, I DO, in fact, have that much audacity to do these things.

I guess that’s why I’m starting to write at 35 years old…not for attention, but because I want there to be a fucking ripple effect when I’m gone. I want it to feel like an atomic bomb went off on them for their lies, and for the truth to be revealed about the filthy bastards they are.

They couldn’t successfully run a business if their fucking lives depended on it…and they think I’M dumb…lol.

I think this perfectly lines us up to go over my midlife crisis in the next post.

This was shockingly fun.

I’ve never enjoyed reading…but maybe I do enjoy writing?

More to come…unless I just give up like I have on everything else.